Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
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alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.