Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
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It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
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Morningbreath
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Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*