The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My patience has stretch marks.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer