It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
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Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Buying a well is money well spent.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.