They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
You Might Also Like
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
are they though??
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.