Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
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I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”