People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
You Might Also Like
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent