Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
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*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after