“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
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Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
If only.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.