Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
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ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.