My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
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The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
when someone rings the doorbell
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”