Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
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Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
LA today:
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
anyone else like Italian cereal
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve