A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
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Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
No Google it does not
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.