The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
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Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.