*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
You Might Also Like
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
went fishing caught a bass
mom gave me mine for free
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
🤣😈🤣
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.