people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
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Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Smile they said.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.