Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
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When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL