Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
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“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Somebody call the cops.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw