You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
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Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
When I pack too much for a short trip.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
My wedding will be open casket.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.