Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
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Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?