“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
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Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Our lord and savoury.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Spotted in New Orleans.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?