*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
You Might Also Like
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.