Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
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Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.