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Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground