The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
You Might Also Like
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Stonehinge
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”