My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
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(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit