I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
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“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
How it started How it’s going
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
They did not miss in the small print
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”