I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
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Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
When your parents check you’re ok.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Go girl power!
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?