Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
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Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.