I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
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Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food