Yard reviews
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“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
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do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Shortcut
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS