*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
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ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
When can I start eating bats again.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.