A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
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*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
The devil.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Made something I’m not proud of
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Inside you there are two wolves
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly