me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
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I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent