My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
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Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.