Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
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I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
bad
worse
worst
worchester
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
waiting for halloween be like:
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it