Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
You Might Also Like
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”