Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
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It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?