grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
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You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Hard not to take this personally
😲 WTF? 😆
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”