Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
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Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
These 3D printers are insane!
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list