(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
You Might Also Like
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
that de-escalated quickly
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Good morning!
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21