[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
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It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
I’d … I’d rather not.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I feel seen.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.