Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
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Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!