Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
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What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow