announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
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To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
The smoothest fall of all time
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.