Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
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Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!