If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
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You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.