[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
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wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.