if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
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[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards