Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
You Might Also Like
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT